I've never seen a FAQ for this group -- is there one? Please add to this list -- Titles (books,web pages, movies, tv) -- reviews, humor, quotes, and concise advice. Send additions/changes to: billbo@dicksonstreet.com This is now on the web at 1 home: http://users.dicksonstreet.com/~billbo/divorcer.html Culled from various posts from the good folks on the newsgroup alt.support.divorce - and the listserv divorcetalk@onelist.com which you can join at http://www.onelist.com ------------ Thanks All ------------------------------------------------------------ Divorce Resource List --- 10/29/98 ------------------------------------------------------------ Sections: 1) Recommended Reading & Viewing plus Reviews.: Divorce and Relationships: Children Support: Legal: Questioning Relationships: Dating: Recommended Viewing: 2) Web Pages, Listservs and NewsGroups: alt.support.divorce: General: Kid's Support: Visitation: Legal/non legal Info Aimed For Women: Legal/non legal Info Aimed For Fathers: Domestic Violence: Legal: Annulments, Catholic: The Jewish Gett, Divorce. Resources for Straight Spouses of Gay and Lesbian Partners: Relationships: Families and Couples: Medical: Suicide: NewsGroups & ListServs: IRC - chat channels: 3) Advice From Those Who Have Been There: 4) Quotes To Reflect On: 5) Humor: 6) Relationships: ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ 1) Recommended Reading & Viewing Plus Reviews.: suggestions and reviews are from alt.support.divorce & divorcetalk@onelist.com . A (#) signifies the number of reviews or a different person's review. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------- Divorce and Relationships: ----------------------------- "Letting Go" by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot. It talks about the various triggers and how to get over them. It does take some time and effort on your part. "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher. I like "rebuilding..." by bruce fisher. (2) a fantastic book , I would suggest to anyone who has lost someone throught divorce or death. "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma. The peace this book gave me is beyond words. It takes a different perspective - that the realities of life are very different than they used to be, but our perspectives on "forever love" have not changed along with our lives. She is not judgmental at all about it, but explains this is why a long-term marriage seems to be so much more elusive nowadays. The back of the book has a series of exercises for coming to closure and terms with your marriage. They are very effective. "Marital Separation" by Robert Weiss. This book may help alleviate the pain by showing you that the swings in your moods are normal. It will help you gain some objectivity. And funny as it sounds, when you can stand back and look at where you're at in the "pain/healing" scale, it is easier to deal with loss. "The Myth of the Greener Grass". I didn't like it, as I felt it put too much responsibility on the partner who did not have an affair. It actually made me feel worse. "Nice Women Get Divorced". It was OK but dealt more with practicalities than feelings. Also read some books on grief and loss which were helpful. "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", a very easy to read user-friendly book about grieving and the process you'll go through. "(2) is one of my more favorites...(Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWilliams)....tells you what to expect, and gives some very sage advice...." _ "(3) It helped but really time is the only thing that seems to work. This whole adultery thing is inane." "Crazy Time -- Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford. It had a lot of personal stories in it. I didn't find it all that helpful, but others have. "(2) really hits home. I found it extremely helpful. "Divorce Hangover" by Anne Walther. It is for people that cannot let go of the divorce. It has a lot of "workbook exercises" in it to process feelings. "Mars and Venus Starting Over" by John Gray. Great book that will show you how to "feel" about your divorce. And How you have to feel many thing in order to move on... (2) Gray makes it very clear that, even though you may, intellectually, be prepared to move on after a divorce, your heart will take longer to heal. He also has a good section about getting stuck in one of the four "healing" emotions: anger, sadness, sorrow and fear. I've heard many times that you have to experience these emotions to get over a divorce, but he pushes it even further, saying that, at times, it's useful to "force" them, by consciously contemplating the good things that you've lost, and letting the sadness or anger come. Another important thing that I *don't* hear mentioned too often is the affect earlier life-experiences can have. He says that a lot of the pain (at one point, he says as much as 90 percent) you are feeling isn't from your current loss, but comes from your childhood (when you didn't receive the love you needed, for example). Perhaps there's something to this. (3) He says that in order to get over her, you have to go back, and remember the good times.....mourn for the things you will never have again, mourn for what you won't have in the future, and a few other things (I can't think of off the top of my head), but the principle of his thinking, is that if we supress these feelings, or try to, there are going to fester, and we will be stuck, never to be 'free' of this person....you have to face them head on, conqure them, defeat them, and only then can you move on. (4) Something I learned from John Gray's book is that there are 4 "healing" emotions that *must* be experienced if you are not to get stuck. They are Sadness, Sorrow, Fear and Anger. As men, we especially can have trouble experiencing these, but it's essential. "The Ten Mistakes That Women Make" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling?). Basically she is a hard hitting counsellor that has a nationwide talk show and she dicusses common screwups by women (and men in another book) that lead to unhappiness, divorce, etc...... "The Ten Mistakes That Men Make" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling?). I have the book 10 mistakes that men make and it was incredible how almost everyone of them applied to my marriage. I am now convinced that I married a "fixer upper" that I thought I could change with love. By constantly trying to change her I lost her. Fact was that I was not comfortable with myself and fear rejection and would only date (marry) a woman that had more problems than I had. ooops, just rambling on. Bill Ferguson is an author who has written several good books about relationships and divorce. His website is at http://www.billferguson.com "The 4 Gifts of Love" by Willard Harley. For those that want to start over with the same person or have a new relationship...This book sets up parameters that help you avoid some of the traps we run into nowadays in this complicated society, and states the principles that will keep couples together if they are followed. "How to get your lover back" by Blake Harris. I promise you that after you read this book you will learn how to be a better partner. Also, this book will recommend other ways to turn your jealousy and anger into more positive reactions, like love. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason. There are lots of books out there on the subject (BPD). The best book I have read which helps NON-BPs figure out what to do when they realize they are married to a BP. . . You can find out how to obtain a copy at this website: http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/index.html ------------------------------ Children Support: ------------------------------ "My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced" by Dr. Lois Nightingale. It is a terrific book for children whose parents are getting a divorce. The book describes how four children cope with the divorce of their parents. It is put together in a coloring book, workbook, storytelling format and gives children a way to relate how they feel so parents can help them. "Hey...What About Me!" by Bonnie Doss is another children's book that is simple, yet very effective at opening the door to communication between a young child and divorcing parents. It gives children an opportunity to express their pain, sadness and fear in a way that helps the adults in their life help them. "True Prosperity: Your Guide to a Cash-Based Lifestyle" by Ken Knouse is a guide that everyone facing a debt-ridden life can use to get out and stay out of debt. ------------------------------ Legal: ------------------------------ "Divorce Strategy: Tactics for a Civil Financial Divorce" by Laura Johnson. Here is a bit of what others who have read the book have to say: "A wonderful and empowering book for divorcing couples" Mary K. Carey, Divorce Support Group Leader, Jackson, Michigan. "A great book that I will recommend to my divorce clients." Robert Feder, Family Law Attorney, Philadelphia, PA the website is http://www.bookzone.com/feature/divorce.html ------------------------------ Questioning Relationships: ------------------------------ "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. For defining a direction to get out of an ambivalent relationship. This book is very different and I suggest everyone read it. It really helps you focus on the reasons why you are in a relationship with someone, especially helps decide whether to stay or get out. Is one you will not put down because it has a totally different perspective than any self-help books I have ever seen. "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Repetitive dysfunctional relationships suggest a pattern of codependency. To help me understand my own experience with this, I count this book as a watershed for me. Give it a try. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Wonder if you've been subjected to some verbal abuse. If you think it's a possibility, this will open your eyes to the dynamics of such a relationship, and help relieve you of some of the responsibility you might feel for being in such a relationship. "Toxic People" by Lillian Glass. (she also has a book called "Attracting Terrific People" which I haven't read yet). It helped me to deal with my own husbands control problem and it showed me that I need to deal with some problems of my own. Most control freaks don't see any problems, they think if you'll just do everything their way then life would be just perfect. It's not just the fact that we're all adults and want to have a choice in our own lives but when we wed, it was supposed to be two people joining together to make decisions for mutual benefit. After awhile the marital relationship becomes more like a parent/child relationship. Maybe that can work for some people but in my case it just wasn't possible. I think "controlling" and "criticism" are two different subjects. Criticism can destroy self-confidence, the ability to think for oneself and basically make the person being criticized avoid the critical person even if they are in love. "The Battered Woman" by Lenore Walker & "Breaking Free from Domestic Violence" by Jerry Brinegar -- Understanding the cycle of violence and the cognitive patterns of abuse survivors is an extremely important element. It's not as cut and dried situation...like saying she's just not ready to commit and is still hung-up on her ex. It goes deeper than that. There are powerful forces at work that need to be explored. These are some excellent books that I used to recommend to clients when I worked with abuse victims and survivors... This last one focuses more on breaking the cycle of violence, but it offers some great insight for folks who, like you, are on the outside looking in. "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed." by Anne Sheffield I urge you to read, I am going through a very painful divorce from a depressive who was in denial for the entire 13 years we were married and together; now he seems to be making a lifestyle of denial. My pain is intense, but this book has really helped me put things in perspective. ----------------------------- Dating: ----------------------------- Once you're over the divorce and ready to re-enter the dating world but afraid, try: "Guerrilla Dating Tactics" by Sharyn Wolf --- or: "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner. Very practically-written. "Dating For Dummies", Dr. Joy Browne. Has much to say particularly to those who are separated or recently divorced about how long to wait [e.g., one year after divorce is final]. Also, concerning past sexual experiences: "When in doubt, keep your mouth shut". Past relationships: "If you can't find something better to talk about than your exes, you need a therapist, not a date. ------------------------------------------------------- Recommended Viewing: ------------------------------------------------------- "Seconds" by John Frankenheimer: It ought to be required viewing for anyone considering divorce because they "just aren't happy." In it, a middle aged man is given a new face and identity (his old identity dies in a fire), and a second chance at life. He gets a beautiful house, and is set up so he can follow his dreams and pain. He finds out it isn't all he expected it to be, and of course, has regrets. At one point, he visits his "widow," and she tells him how she never knew what her late husband wanted...how he probably didn't know what he wanted, himself. My goodness, that sounds awfully familiar to me (and probably a lot of you, as well). The ending, which I won't spoil for you, is quite nightmarish. It's a good movie, though. ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- 2) Web Pages, Listeservs, Chat Channels and NewsGroups: ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- alt.support.divorce: --------------------- http://www.netacc.net/~kenfose/asd.htm Page of people who have been on alt.support.divorce http://members.aol.com/soulltrs/index.html a project to collect people's stories, for healing. http://www.lava.net/~dewilson/writing/flame.retardant.html A good info page on what to do about trolls and abusive posts on newsgroups. http://www.lava.net/~dewilson/asd/trolls.html A good site for info on trolls and abusers on newsgroups. --------------------- General: --------------------- http://www.toptenlinks.com/lifestyles/divorce.vote a top ten divorce sites (rated, and u can rate) originated from http://www.toptenlinks.com/ . They have over 500 top ten lists for every interest. Includes: In order rated 1 - 10 http://www.divorce-online.com/ A sight that has a lot of free articles on many aspects of divorce. http://www.divorcewizards.com/ A slightly commercial page, but has many nice free services, including: http://www.divorcewizards.com/top10.html -- top ten lists on the 10 best things for your children, to top ten questions to ask your lawyer. http://divorcesource.com Lots of nice links here -- archives, chat, bulletin board, etc. http://divorcesupport.com and lots of nice links here also. http://www.divorcehelp.com/ Learn how to reduce conflict, negotiate an agreement and stay out of court. Award-winning author, 25 years of proven success. All free! Short articles on hot topics. Answers to questions people ask (or should ask!). http://www.divorcemag.com/ Divorce Magazine. Gives you some content, though they want you to subscribe to the mag. http://www.divorcenet.com/ Claims to be The Net's Largest Divorce Resource Since May 1995, Does have a lot of stuff. http://www.flyingsolo.com/ A sight concerned with issues in divorce and seperation and for the elderly and disabled. Issues include custody and visitation, alimony and support, property division, state-specific information based on local law, taxation, bankruptcy and divorce, estate and health planning, mediation, etc.

http://www.divorcecentral.com/ Divorce Central, a link to friends, resources, information, and expertise. Some nice stuff here. http://www.divorceinfo.com/ The information on this site is the equivalent of a 700-page book all about divorce, organized so you can quickly and easily find the straightforward, practical information you need. ---------------------- http://divorcesupport.miningco.com/ Your Mining Company Guide To Divorce Support. Nice support page with many links. ----------------- Kid's Support: ----------------- http://www.kids-support.com for tons of information on child support that may help. http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org A good organization for all of you with children! "The problems are many in bringing up our children alone, contending with the emotional conflicts of divorce, never-married, separation or widowhood. PWP Inc. is an international organization that provides real help in the way of discussions, professional speakers, study groups, publications and social activities for families and adults. Through the exchange of ideas and companionship, we hope to further our common welfare and the well-being of our children." They might have a chapter in your area. http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/calaw.html For child support, go to the government search page, look for family law, search for child support, section 4055. Do the math yourself. http://members.aol.com/underwatch For pictures of parentally abducted children, and resources for these problems. There is reward money up to $1 million dollars for the return of some of these children. --------------------- Visitation: --------------------- http://www.sharedparenting.com/ Shared Parenting Forum Welcomes You To The Virtual Conference on Parenting Arrangements After Parental Separation. Some of this is Canada specific, the rest is national. http://members.tripod.com/~mdcrc/ : Children's Rights Council of Maryland - For further information contact Alfred Ellis, tel 301 590-8623 or Harvey Walden, tel 301 588-0262. The Children's Rights Council of Maryland announces the opening of the third Child Access Transfer Center in Maryland. The new Center in Potomac, Maryland. The Center will provide for the monitored exchange of children of divorced, separated, and never married parents who are having problems with visitation schedules. The Children's Rights Council is a national nonprofit organization that works to decrease hostility in the divorce and separation process, to keep both parents and the extended family involved with children, and to maintain strong family ties. The Council, although working to preserve families, recognizes the stresses of divorce and separation. The CRC strives to help children and parents through this difficult time. These Centers are run by volunteer monitors, and there is no fee for the service. http://mytwohomes.com/index.htm My Two Homes ® The Divorce Calendar for Kids! Special products to help kids of divorce and their parents! http://www.nolawyer.com/nolawyer/visnfors.html Visitation Enforcement Software (This is a commercial site for software - for legal advice -- no reviews available). - --------------------------------------- Legal/non legal Info Aimed For Women: --------------------------------------- http://www.divorcesource.com/search/women/women.shtml Womens Divorce Source: Many nice links for women from www.divorcesource.com . http://www.dhc.net/~lavietes/momlac.htm MOM-LAC is changing its name! We are soon to be called MotherLinC. MOM-LAC (MOMs Living Apart from their Children) is a group of Seacoast New Hampshire mothers who do not have custody of their children. There are also chapters in many cities. Mothers become non-custodial for a number of reasons. Some of us have had our children torn from us by an unjust court system. It seems to boil down to, not who is the better parent, but who has the better lawyer. Other non-custodial mothers have given up their children voluntarily, feeling that this is best for the children in that family's particular situation. Mothers without custody have a difficult time being accepted. Some of us have heard the line: "You don't have custody of your children? What did you do??" The implication is that only unfit mothers are non-custodial. THIS IS NOT TRUE! --------------------------------------- Legal/non-legal Info Aimed For Fathers: --------------------------------------- http://www.isd.net/aswanson/custody.htm One person's story about divorce and gaining custody. Some excellent straight forward advice. http://www.midwest.net/fathers Mostly a site that tries to sell what looks like good info like the Guide to Fathers Rights. Though there is a good link site here: http://www.midwest.net/fathers/links.htm http://www.av.qnet.com/~rlewis3/index.html The Single fathers' Lighthous. "I became a single custodial father over six years ago. I was lost, scared and had no idea how to "do it all on my own." My intent for this page is to be the place that I needed when I started on this terrifyingly wonderful journey. I honor all parents, single or partnered, Moms and Dads. Some nice links from a fellow single parent. ----------------- http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/prepcust.txt FIRST AID KIT For Fathers Preparing for Custody Trial http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/childspt.html FIRST AID KIT For Fathers re: Support http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/falsackt.html FIRST AID KIT For Falsely Accused Fathers http://com.primenet.com/nolawyer/nappl.html FIRST AID KIT For Appealing from Unsatisfactory New Decree/Judgment http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/whenthe.html FIRST AID KIT: If Custodial Mother Dies, but Relatives Fight Dad for Custody Individual Dads get hurt every day in divorce/custody/support litigation. While others attack each other, NCFC FIRST AID KITS and other NCFC resources can help stop the bleeding. ------------------ http://www.dadnkids.com/ncfc -- (this link does not work - anyone know the correct one?) National Congress for Fathers and Children -- 1-800-SEE-DADS http://www.vix.com/free The Fathers' Rights & Equality Exchange (F.R.E.E.[tm]) is a not- for-profit organization dedicated to the premise that parenting is a 50/50 proposition. As such, both fathers and mothers should share equally in the parenting and support of their children. http://www.farce.org/ FARCE--Fathers Awareness of Rights and Custody Equality. Our main goal will be to ensure proper education and legal assistance to any Father faced with the custody or the separation from his child. http://www.fathersattorneys.com/ Fathers Family Law Attorney Find - a non-profit group to help fathers. http://www.mindspring.com/~faptofga/index.html FATHERS ARE PARENTS TOO!, Inc. Based in Georgia. "...is a coalition of Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents and others, working to ensure the rights of children to have a loving nurturing relationship with both of their parents and their families." http://www.neosoft.com/~tferhous/othersit.htm Texas Fathers for Equal Rights. http://www.fathersrightsNY.com/ Fathers' Rights of Western New York, based in Buffalo, NY, (716) 635-8323 http://perso.wanadoo.fr/ev/FMCP/engl Father's groups in France. http://www.cheltenham-group.demon.co.uk/cg/warning/index.htm is an interesting page, aimed at UK fathers though it relates to the state of most fathers in divorce. I don't agree with all the generalizations made, though it is rather eye opening. www.travel-net.com/~pater/epes_a.htm Another support group for Fathers seeking more rights to their children, in Montreal,Quebec,Canada is GEPSE. --------------------------------- Domestic Violence: --------------------------------- http://www.domesticviolence.org/content.html Domestic Violence handbook online. Many resources as well. http://www.infoxchange.net.au/wise/DVIM/index.htm Domestic Violence Information Manual. W.I.S.E. - Women's Issues and Social Empowerment, plus links. http://webhost.telisphere.com/lpeters/ Domestic Violence Information for men and women. Child-custody issues, and an online bookstore -- Leigh-Ann Peters, Hiding in the Closet, no more! Newsgroup: alt.support.domestic-violence http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2656/ A page dedicated to those dealing with a loved who has been sexually molested or raped. --------------------- Legal: --------------------- http://Legal.Net (divorce.net) some good legal services. http://www.divorceinfo.com/statebystate.htm Some state by state information. http://www.fathers-rights.com R Isaacs has written a new book on how to fight false claims of domestic abuse. http://www.familycourts.com The Family Court Reform Council Of America & The National PAS Foundation. Dedicated to increasing awareness of the dangers to families and children in divorce courts. http://www.justicefirst.org/ Justice First! Our Goals: To educate citizens regarding their rights and the government's responsibility to not only recognize that we have rights, but to protect those rights. Over the last few decades the government has decided it exists to enforce laws instead of protecting its citizens. This has been nothing but a creeping move from freedom to tyranny. To seek to provide information to those who have been the victims of unjust laws and government policy. To inform "victims" how to file complaints with the proper authorities concerning the conduct of public officials who fail to live up to their oath of office. Some of this is specific to Georgia. Most is national. http://members.bellatlantic.net/~rrrrbrt/ "The Other Parent:" This Page is dedicated to preserving the rights of the Non-Custodial Parent Families don't end, Marriages do! Discussion of the unfairness of courts and laws concerning divorced parents. http://raw-deal.com A site for folks who think they got a bad deal or falsely accused during a divorce or in other circumstances. There are links to activist and other sites. ------------------------------------ Annulments, Catholic. ------------------------------------ http://www.divorceinfo.com/catholic.htm Divorce.info page on annulment with a number of nice links. http://www.archdiocese-phl.org/tribunal/tribproc.htm Straight forward page on annulment process. ------------------------------------ The Jewish Gett, Divorce. ------------------------------------ http://users.dicksonstreet.com/~billbo/gettart1.html The Jewish Gett, Divorce : An article written by Natalie K. Bjorklund on what is a Gett, all the practicals about it, and what to do when things go wrong. ----------------------------------------------------------- Resources for Straight Spouses of Gay and Lesbian Partners. ----------------------------------------------------------- http://members.aol.com/foxed/index.html A private, safe resource center for Straight Spouses of Gay and Lesbian partners - To share common issues, receive recovery support, exchange topical resources and freely express personal experiences, such as impact issues upon children, friends, family and social environment. http://www.glpci.org/~ssn/ The Straight Spouse Network (SSN), formerly known as the Straight Spouse Support Network, is an international support network of heterosexual women and men, formerly or currently partnered with gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered mates. Members provide confidential personal support and information to spouses and children across the United States and abroad. SSN is the only support group of its kind in the world. ------------------------------------ Relationships: Families and Couples. ------------------------------------ http://www.vow.com/htmlal/mw_expmascfemdynamics_dcohen_01.html: I've tried to draw out some of the dynamics between men and women drawing on the insights of John Gray and Carl Jung in the following article: These authors are rich in showing examples of our different sides and how they are projected onto our mates leading to attraction and repulsion. http://www.secondwivesclub.com/ The Second Wives Club - Is to provide a safe haven for women who are currently involved in either a subsequent marriage for either the wife or husband and/or who are involved in a blended family, to network with others who share common ground and to give and receive support, information, and friendship. "The Second Wives Club" encourages the building and maintaining of co~operative relationships both within the club and the family. "The Second Wives Club" intends to help develop positive attitudes and behaviors and to enable women in blended family situations to live and grow with confidence, respect, and zeal as a wife, mother, and individual. http://www.aamft.org./ American Association For Marriage and Family Therapy. --------------------- Medical: --------------------- http://www.psycom.net/ Psycom.net which has a book central, International Journal of Psychopathology, Psychotherapy and Psychopharmacology. And has the following 2 pages: http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html Depression Central - an excellent resource of links for depression to meds. http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html BPD page: Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.future.net/~bradj/father.html Is one of the best lists of hot-buttoned resources you could ever find. Includes: http://www.future.net/~bradj/it.html What clients should watch out for and insist on, and how the profession could be better. http://www.cmhc.com/disorders/sx10.htm A page on Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms (BPD). With links for treatment, online resources, organizations, and online Support. http://www.mindspring.com/~janetsam/bpd.htm There is a ton of information available via the Internet about BPD. This is one of my favorite sites because it lists so many other sites with information about BPD. http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/index.html Some good resources on this page where you can also read about the book "Stop Walking On EggShells." ----------------------- Suicide: ----------------------- http://home.earthlink.net/~janiet/psych/suicide.htm A good page for those in need. With some links. http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2656/suicide.html A page mainly aimed at those dealing with someone who is suicidal. http://www.mhnet.org/samaritans/ The samaritans exists to provide confidential emotional support to any person, who is suicidal or despairing; and to increase public awareness of issues around suicide and depression. ----------------------- NewsGroups & ListServs: ----------------------- alt.recovery.codependency alt.support.divorce alt.support.divorce.jewish alt.support.parents.with-custody alt.support.single-parents alt.support.step-parents alt.support.marriage alt.support.depression alt.support.depression.manic alt.support.depression.medication alt.support.depression.recovery (There are numerous depression support groups -- search through the list) www.onelist.com & search for divorce & join us @ divorcetalk@onelist.com. There are many others lists to join as well. They ask you to register with them, in order to get on the lists. All free. us.legal.self-represent It appears that a new Usenet Newsgroup devoted to Pro-Se litigation is up and running. Check if your ISP carries it yet. -------------------- IRC - chat channels: -------------------- If you are in need of immediate support (depression), please visit our undernet channel --< #Spade >. Please check out our website at www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Spa/2312 . On the site, is a link to download mIRC, the program necessary to access the undernet. This is also free of any charge. All of our operators and administrators are available for support, as well as others that are regular vistiors to our channel. You will always find helpfull information, and a caring person to speak with. I, or another operator, will be happy to speak with you, either in channel, or in private, around the clock. -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- 3) Advice From Those Who Have Been There: These quotes are not aimed at legal stuff, mostly life changing emotions and practical advice. -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- You asked how others are managing the pain. This is really a matter of the blind leading the blind, because I am not doing so well myself. But a few things have kept me from completely going off the deep end: 1) Write in a journal. Write your entire story with your wife, good and bad. It is VERY painful and you will be in tears a lot, but the processing is essential to eventually moving on. 2) Read everything you can get your hands on pertaining to divorce. Someone on this group has a file of all the books we've suggested. Hope they will post it. 3) Join new groups. I know it is the last thing you feel like doing, but I have found some of my best support in friends I have made since this began. It also gives you an opportunity to believe you have a future with other people. 4) Do volunteer work. When I was at Shriner's Hospital witnessing the kids there, it was hard to be as overwhelmed by my own pain. 5) Post here often. We really do care. There is a tremendous amount of support. Good luck. I know how hard it is. ---- Christine I just wanted to add my part on the suggestion to write things down. In talking w/someone shortly after I separated, they suggested I follow one of the 12-step type writing exercises. Write down the things you fear, the things you resent and why, and the areas in your life you may have been selfish in relationships. When I actually sat down to write it, I was utterly amazed at the things that rolled off my pen once I got started. There were actually things I hadn't consciously realized I feared or resented, and instances where I didn't realize I'd been selfish in my relationships. Once complete, I sat there for about an hour and just cried at the realization that I didn't know myself as well as I thought, and at some of the things that I'd written. It was a really good start to processing all the emotions you go through in a divorce. ---- Julie I found this list in the newspaper the other month and forgot all about it; maybe it will help someone else out there... Imagine good things happening Stop looking for the negatives Find the humor in difficult situations & laugh often Smile Stay active Incorporate relaxation techniques-visualization, meditation, deep breathing, singing, dancing-into your daily life Write about things you are thankful for Focus on the present, not the past (* I'm having trouble with this one myself!) Pray Keep your mind full of positive thoughts, so there is no room for negative ones Lean on supportive family members and friends Volunteer or do good for others Share feelings with a friend, a counselor or a support group! Explore traumatic events through counseling Practice optimism Foster a healthy attitude through commitment, determination and feeling in control -- Denise The single most important thing I did to help myself was relive and write an analysis of my relationship with my husband from start to finish. It is currently 21 type written pages and I went over everything - why I was drawn to him, what my life was like before, during and after our relationship, the hardships, the joy, our wedding, etc. In the process of doing this I learned an unbelievable amount about our relationship. it has given me a perspective of this experience that enables me to begin to move on. -- Christine I did find it very helpful to write about what I was going through and my thoughts and feelings during the most difficult times during the divorce. Kind of like a journal. I also wrote many letters to my wife (now ex-wife), but never sent them. It was just a way to express the way I felt about her and what was happening. Some were angry letters and some talked about the pain. I always felt a little better after doing that and could continue on with the other things I needed to get done at work and home. Good luck, it takes awhile to heal, but you will survive. -- john Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's four stages of dealing with grief...the first one is shock ('oh no I can't believe this is happening to me')...second is anger (which we all know plenty about :), third is depression, and fourth is finally acceptance. I think I just recently started to come out of being depressed a little bit, and the funny thing was, I didn't even realize I had been depressed until it started going away a little. Experts say that the longer you were together, or the harder of a blow this was, the longer it takes to get over. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. -- jean I recently read a piece by Author Elizabeth Ross about the Stages of Grief. They are: Denial Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I understand all these except "Bargaining". Can anyone out there help me with a Definition or Explanation of what Bargaining is ? -- Richard >>Bargaining is like trying to bargin with God. Okay God, I swear that I will be a better person, spend more time in church, spend more time with my kids, as long as you bring my wife back. -- Mazarino >>>Mmmm...not just with God either, I should think....but also with oneself (okay, I'll just do this or that) and with another (I'll quit, I swear - it won't happen again, I promise). >>>It sometimes even flows from bargaining to begging. In the end you feel embarrassed and humbled when recalling exactly what price it was you were ready to pay for something you cannot buy. It sure is cathartic...and it's amazing how quickly your priorities get focused. But that's just my opinion. - Tish >Denial: "This isn't happening to me. This is just a phase she is going through." >Anger: "The bitch! Well, fuck her, the horse she rode in on and the guy who sold it to her." >Bargaining: "I will give you the remote control and hold your purse while you try on dresses if you won't move out and divorce me. Tell me what you want and I will do it." >Depression: "No one will ever love me again. I have never felt so alone. Where are the sleeping pills?" >Acceptance: "Hi, my name is Dave and I am divorced." "Hi, Dave!" >Ever see someone move through the stages that quick? "I am the very model of a modern mental general." - Dave >>Very good Dave - I've never seen these stages explained so perfectly with so few words! :-) -- Janie >Kubler-Ross was one of the first to study the issues of death and dying and she focused on the relatively short term situation in which death becomes an immediate possibility. The bargaining stage looks for ways to buy time, making promises and negotiating with God, doctors, nurses, or others for more time or relief from pain and suffering. When the bargaining fails or time runs out, hopelessness and depression can take its place. >These stages that Kubler-Ross describes are common reactions to approaching death but they are not absolute. Not all people go through the stages, and few go through them in any particular order. Many factors influence a person's reactions, including culture, religion, personality, philosophy about life, and the nature of the disease itself. -- Gidget >>Also, people may go through a stage more than once. -- Victoria "Lee" >Having experienced all of these myself with my father who died horribly of lung cancer. Bargaining are things like praying when they have never prayed before"I promise that I'll stop smoking from now on, god please, let me kick this thing...give me another chance" Going to church when they have never gone before etc or whatever the person thinks/feels they can negotiate with at that time. Its a hard one because the next step is usually depression..... -- Janice Even if you're not heartbroken, it is still many times a great loss. Most of the familiar stuff is gone...different routine, sometimes different home, partner is gone.....being out of our normal routine plus feelings of "failure" can really throw us out of synch. The book that I read that really helped was an old diary of mine from when I was first married. I forgot I even had it. I read about problems that had been in the marraige from the beginning, and it really helped me to see that it (whatever the problem was) was there from the beginning, and wasn't something that *I* necessarily did wrong all by myself. -- Lauri You feel so awful because divorce is the same as a death. It's the end of something that you thought would last forever. The stages of grief in a divorce are the same as in death. There are many layers to this - we have to take them one at a time. When my first husband left, I had not felt love toward him for a few years. He was emotionally abusive and had mentally left the marriage four years earlier. Yet it's painful. You think of all the lost possibilities - you take out the good and bad and parade them around in your mind. Tear it all apart... It's not an easy time. It's sad, tragic. It is somewhat of a betrayal, a promise broken. take care of yourself. It will get better. TAke one step at a time. - winema My dog is my best friend and my best antidote to being lonely. Can't imagine how things would be without her!! -- ? It takes time, 2 to 3 years, even for a simpler divorce. Don't beat yourself up because you can't get better, there are so many levels that a divorce can play on. Many u won't be aware of t'll down the road somewhere. Take care of yourself -- stay healthy -- Take some control of your direction, even just a little -- vitamins, walk every day, school, put these things on a schedule - and stick with it. I cannot suggest this strongly enough --- the emotions will eat u up --- it will age u unmercifully if u don't take care of yourself. I'm a prime example, 5 years now, I'm 43 and very grey --- See music, friends, counselors, divorce support groups -- whatever feels good and works for u. Yes -- be selfish -- u are at critical mass, scream, dance, pray, fly a kite -- whatever works. The best thing for your kids, dating, the rest of your life is to get better. Allow yourself to succeed. -- BillBo Allowing yourself to continue to feel anger gives her control over you, whether she wants it or not. Eventually, you must come to terms with what has happened and move on with your life. It isn't easy. I'm still dealing with similar emotions myself, and while I am mostly over them, there may yet be hints of them that linger for a long time. But it's something that has to take place within you, and no one else can do it for you. I think you need to realize that you cannot change what has happened. You can only affect your present and future, and holding on to your anger will not likely benefit you. Let it go and move on, when you are ready. I've been there, Rob, and I understand how you feel. I wish you luck and happiness. --- Curtiss I went through the phases of anger and sadness, begging for another chance, hoping for a reconciliation, to the current phase. I’m at the point where I realize you can’t make someone love you, that I tried my best to work things out, that I was a good provider, and that she is responsible for her own choices. So, in ending this post, I have a few thoughts: 1) Divorce is not the end of the world. Some kids and parents are more fortunate than others. Some divorces are probably well deserved. 2) Sadness is a part of divorce. If you feel overwhelmed, get professional help, talk to friends. Recognize divorce is a lot more common than most people realize. 3) Someone’s been through your situation before. You’re not the first. 4) God gave us many things to be thankful for. Changing your perspective works wonders. 5) After going through this painful event, I have learned to help others. The feelings I get are as comforting as receiving advice and sympathy. Be a good listener and share your experience. 6) Kids are not responsible for your divorce. They deserve a life of their own. 7) Flame away!!!.I’ll be gone for a week!!! ha ha -- Tall Look at your own life and see if you've ever made a mistake? If you have never made a mistake, then you're too incredible. For me when I recognize that I can be weak at times and can make mistakes, I realize that I am human and other people are human also. I learn that there may not be answers to some of the questions I have so sometimes I just have to accept the reality and forgive myself for my mistakes and forgive any that decide to trespass as best as I can. A friend sent me this : "Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past. " --- Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., Fire In The Soul >But physical separation alone is not enough for healing. For me, the >ultimate healing occurs when I pass through the stages of desire for >retribution, and even anger at the injustice done, to a concern for the >genuine well-being of the person who offended me. When I can heed the >Biblical counsel to do good to my enemies and pray for them, I know I am >on the road to forgiveness and letting go - and thus to my own freedom. ----Well said, Paul. Though I don't share your faith, I agree with the sentiment. I no longer see my ex as an enemy (though what she did to me will always remain a horrible crime in my eyes). I now see her as, perhaps, a pawn of her own confused emotions. I don't think she's a bad person, and now that she has acknowledged her mistakes, I can forgive her and move on. I think we may be friends, at least. Letting go of the anger is good. Holding onto it after it has served its purpose (and I won't deny that it can, indeed, have a purpose) only serves to hurt you. Isn't freedom what it's all about? -- Curtiss I lived a dream while I was married. The end of the marriage smashed my dreams, and my self to pieces. Putting the pieces back together has created a puzzle, more than solving one. This whole divorce experience has made me far more fatalistic - I know I have free will, but my ability to exercise it is limited, oh so very limited. Days being numbered, oh yes, so true, once gone never to be regained and they go by so fast, the time just slips away... -- Caroline I lost my dreams somewhere along the way during marriage.... anybody seen them around anywhere??? -- Christine One nice thing about dreams...you may lose the old ones, but you can always find new ones. -- Barbara When you feel anger, a 15 minute walk can do wonders. -- JLWJWW On Affairs and Relationships: It's easy to throw away something that needs work, especially when you hold in your hand it's shiny new replacement. -- Jeff M That is the most perfect way to put it I have ever seen.... Thanks Jeff!!! -- Hank Shortly after this began, I felt totally directionless and lost. I fell to my knees and prayed for strength and help. I heard two replies that I apply still. 1. Don't judge, that's God's job. (This way, I don't need to know all the "dirt" on her, further burdening myself.) She's graced by not feeling about herself in her justifications. 2. To thine own self be true. Honesty will prevail. I will be rewarded. Maybe not in this lifetime, but rest assured there will be justice. Be patient and know that there will be peace again in your heart. The bottom line for me is to remain focused on anything that concerns my sons. Period. If I place them above all else, and remain honest, my actions will not be hurtful or selfish, thereby worsening the situation. (Of course I find myself feeling helpless sometimes, but it does get better, and I will too.....) -- Jeff ------------------------ Here are some suggestions that may help: 1. Eat: at least three meals a day, lots of protein and root vegetables 2. Activities: What do you most enjoy doing? What are the things that help distract you and make you feel positive? Do them as much as possible. Mine include playing the piano, reading, exercise, talking to friends and writing. 3. Exercise: Every day. If you're not up to a hard workout, at least get out and walk around the block a couple of times, and breathe the air! In through the nose, out through the mouth, let your body and brain absorb some oxygen. 4. Routines: Keep your routines in place as much as possible. Don't make any big decisions right now about finances, career, etc. You're in no shape to handle any more change at the moment. 5. When the anxiety hits, remind yourself that you are bigger than this feeling. Yes it hurts, but it *will not* kill you. Deep cleansing breaths, tell yourself you're going to be okay. This will pass. If you need to make a list to remind yourself to do these things I highly recommend it. Then when things get bad, you can look at your list and pick something to do that will help. -- Take care of yourself -- Mary Here are a couple more suggestions for dealing with this personal Hell known as divorce- 1. Take St. John's Wort. It has really helped me on the down days and has the benefit of being an herb rather than a drug. 2. Read "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma. It is extremely therepeutic. 3. Write your life story with your ex, start to finish, good and bad. Doing this is very painful, but it helps you process your feelings. I wrote 24 type written pages and cannot express how much better I felt afterward. 4. Get involved with a volunteer agency in an area of your interest. You will meet wonderful people and take your focus off your own pain while helping someone else. Good luck. We all share your feeelings. -- Christine --------------------------------- Here are some recovery notes that I gathered somewhere (to the original author: sorry if I am stealing your work, but thanks. Saved my sanity.) 1. Many people stay too long in bad marriages. Many who have endured poor marriages experience surges of joy, along with the usual depression, anger and fear, when the divorce is done. 2. Initiating spouse may predominately experience guilt. The other shaken by rejection. Both depressed, angry, afraid. Pain all round. 3. Re-establish relationships with children. They will seek explanations. 4. Threats to perception of who you are: failure, self-esteem. 5. Accept the past, deal with it, get on with your life. Takes several months to years to come to terms with feelings. 6. You may question whether the time married was wasted, but you cannot obliterate the past. Make it part of your life. 7. Redirect emotional investments from maintaining relationship to maintaining self. 8. Resentment toward spouse gets you nowhere. 9. Learn to grow through the loneliness to aloneness. Become comfortable doing things by yourself. 10. Sometimes, it's easy to love others, but not yourself. Then you become a half-person trying to fill a void. 11. Make friends, not lovers. 12. The thought of dating can be traumatizing. At the same time, you will feel wild passion and the feeling that every minor relationship is of huge importance. 13. At early stage, it is common to be totally uninterested in sex. Often followed by period of deep longing for contact. 14. Admit discomfort to new social contacts. 15. Enemies of divorce recovery are within us - guilt, self-doubt, perceived inaqequacy, fear of relationships. ----- roy -------------------------- >I am sick of people saying "it will get better." Maybe I am impatient. But >am bored (31), all I have is work, and home. And occasionally, ballroom >dance at the studio. -- Kim You might not find a "love interest" but I can suggest a class at the local college, join a gym, take a class through the local parks and rec. (we have lots of interesting things to do here such as cooking, art, music), volunteer at the local people or animal shelter, hospital or school. One or two hours per week will get you involved and you will meet other people like yourself. Go to church, the library, or local park. I personally have taken up genealogy and have met many interesting people who are also interested in their ancestors, there is always something common to talk about. I would like to try ballroom dancing now so you have also given me a good suggestion. (thanks) My children keep me busy so I don't know exactly how you feel but the above suggestions are all things that my (divorced) sister does to keep her life interesting. And she is forever planning trips. She is a traveler and doesn't mind going alone because she always meets alot of people along the way. -- VALERIE You must have interests in a number of things. Follow up on them now. I tried out skydiving, just finished scuba certification, and will try kayaking next year. The world's your oyster. Do things you've always been interested in, and you're bound to meet people with similar interests. The YWCA, schools, colleges and community centres all offer night courses. While you're at some of these courses, put in the little bit of effort to talk to others, both male and female. This is esp. important if you're a bit shy. You have to make some effort, and take a bit of a chance -- think of the great friendships and/or romances that have been lost because people were too afraid to speak up, even though they wanted to. - Mike Join a real-world divorce support group. There's a great secular one here in Atlanta called Suddenly Single. I met lots of nice people there. Meet some ASDers in your area. I've had the tremendous good fortune to meet several members of ASD, and it's really great. They are as nice in person as online. Try Internet dating. I know there is some risk to this, but it can work out really well if you are careful. I've met some good people this way, and know others who have as well. Of course, the usual warnings apply: if you date, don't jump into anything too serious too quickly. I've found that rebound is a very real thing. - Curtiss -------------------------- Chris Cox of the Asheville Citizen Times wrote this: If marriage, as Woody Allen once claimed, is the death of hope, then what is divorce? The hope of death, any conceivable end to the inevitable and sometimes unbearable pain? Or is it death itself, manifest in a hundred different ways, both large and small? Is it a monument to personal failure, a symbol of your lack of resolve and character, a gaudy trophy of your poor choices, a scrap heap of busted dreams? Or is it another chance, a fresh start, an opportunity for growth and an occasion for courage? Divorce is a whole lot of each. Divorce is a bomb that blows to shreds your sense of who you are and what you have become. It is a series of land mines, going off in your face when you least expect, the shrapnel of memories searing your heart. Little remnants of you, barely recognizable in the wake of each blast, float scattered about the breeze as dandelion fluff; they are no longer organized around anything and they take no form, assume no familiar shape. The center around which your life has been defined is suddenly gone and utterly ripped away. It is as if someone has given you a jigsaw puzzle of your life, removed half the pieces, and still expects you to form a coherent whole. Household Objects as Symbols. Divorce creates a radical new context for the past. Suddenly old Polaroids of vacations and anniversaries aren't reference points - they take on the weight of historical significance. With no warning whatsoever, ordinary household objects become animate creatures, fluent in the language of loss, alive with symbolic value. The shirt represents that crazy day at the mall, when we got harassed by the sales clerk who looked exactly like an Afghan hound. Here are the candles, half-burned and coated in light dust, which you loved to light on rainy nights. This is the drawer in which we hoarded coupons we would never use. This casserole dish, which has seen how many nights of meals, how many noble experiments (chicken pot pie with oregano), how many washings and dryings. This window, which we looked out one cold February afternoon and saw a cardinal, its brilliant red color a frail complaint against the gray, overcast sky, and we discussed the end of our marriage with pretend matter-of-factness, like a couple of bad actors caught in the world's worst soap opera. Swimming Alone In the dreamlike aftermath of divorce, one gropes through an all-enveloping darkness for structure and order. Friends try to help. They write, they call, they send prayers and good wishes. You're not alone. But you are alone, and your loneliness is a tangible thing, something you become aware of all the time. This emptiness is a basement flooded with grief, and you spend the first several months up to your knees in it, bailing, trying to save your house, trying not to drown. People want to help you - and they do - but you must do most of the work yourself. You find that you cannot escape the reality of loss. Rather, you must , for a period , soak in it, swim in it, absorb it even ... All of this you must survive - in addition to letting it go, once and for all, of the life you thought you had and the future that life implied. You must learn to wear that particular shirt, and light those same candles, and cook in that casserole dish, and look out the window again at cardinals whose bright colors may affirm, on darker days, the possibilities of life, the outside chance that suffering may, one day, be suffused with sweetness and hope. ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ 4) Quotes To Reflect On: ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ "Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today" -- Robert Hastings. -------------------------------------------------- Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. -- Thomas Dewar -------------------------------------------------- "At some time in the future during my growth toward becoming a full person, there will be a day when my cup runneth over so profusely that the need will arise for another person to soak up the excess." -- ? -------------------------------------------------- We should do everything Within Reason To save a good relationship But if we are constantly Trying to save it It's probably not a good relationship. Javan from his book "Meet Me Halfway" -------------------------------------------------- "Within every soul there was left the seeds of need, As in the soil of the earth they are concieved, Prayer is rain, to make 'em all grow, Water them well and they shall heal." ---POCO -------------------------------------------------- Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it. -- george halas I never blame fortune - there are too many complicated situations in life. But, I am absolutly merciless toward lack of effort. -- f. scott fitzgerald. Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall, but by those who fought, fell, and rose again. -- unknown The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. -- chinese proverb The biggest gap in the world is between "I should" and "I did." -------------------------------------------------- Ode to ASD (alt.support.divorce) We are reeds bent not broken battered not bruised (not permanently) We are trampled the prints of boots pressing us in the mud wearing a path through our hearts We are windblown leaning toward warmth yet chilled carelessly disregarded We are eaten up the beasts that wander the teeth that grind tearing away our lives We are reeds bent, battered, trampled yet green and regrowing --- Lori -------------------- "Those tiny drops of humanity. Those round, wet balls of fluid that tumble from our eyes, creep down our cheeks, and splash on the floor of our hearts.... They are miniature messengers, on call twenty-four hours a day to substitute for crippled words. They drip, drop, and pour from the corner of our souls, carrying with them the deepest emotions we possess." ---- From Max Lucado's book, "God Came Near". ------------------------ An intimate relationship does not banish lonliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are and can function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes. -- Patricia Fry ----------- I have this quote on my computer, and refer to it every day. It helps me get through some tough times when I think I need a man in my life. I guess that means I am not yet functioning independently. -- Maggie Guglielmo (Every day, do something for your body, your mind, and your spirit) ------------------------- Top Ten Divorce Quotes of the Week: 1. " Live for today.... yesterday was hard enough" 2. " Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other" 3. " Divorce is so final, but friendships linger on" 4. " Make sure your happy at all times" 5. " Everyday is the beginning of a new tomorrow" 6." Perhaps the dream ...is only in the journey" 7." When a door closes, a window opens" 8. " It's what you learn ... after you know... is all that maters" 9. " You never get over divorce... you go on living and loving and caring" 10." The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding" --------- 11. You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself! -- Zimm --------- 12. There are 3 sides to every coin. Perspective is everything. -- David --> Four, if you count the inside. -- D --> See what divorce does to perspective? -- David. ------------------------- "Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past. " --- Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., Fire In The Soul ------------------------- In my first thirty years of life I roamed hundreds and thousands of miles. Walked by rivers through deep green grass Entered cities of boiling red dust. Tried potions, but couldn't make Immortal; Read books and wrote poems on history. Today I'm back at Cold Mountain: I'll sleep by the creek and purify my ears. ............................ Han-shan -- this speaks to me about the need to heal -- BillBo =========================================================== "How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clusters of other hands must have touched the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world." - Joseph Heller =========================================================== ************************************************** * * * 'But whoever it is * * who has thus determined * * the course of our life * * has, in so doing, * * excluded all the lives we might have led * * instead of our actual life.' * * - Marcel Proust, "The Past Recaptured" * * * ************************************************** ========================================================== 'Unfortunately, I'm not that confident myself. I've been given a great deal, and I've wanted a lot. And I've ended up not really having anything and not really knowing what I want. I've acquired the basics of an education. I've travelled. Occasionally I've felt that I've done what I wanted to do. And yet I've been directed. Some invisible hand has had me by the scruff of the neck, and every time I thought that I was taking an important step up toward the light, it has pushed me further into a network of sewer pipes running beneath a landscape that I cannot see. As if it had been determined that I would have to swallow a specific amount of wastewater before I would be allowed a breathing hole.' - Smilla Qaavigaaq Jasperson in: Peter Høeg, 1992, Smilla's Sense of Snow, Dell Publishing, NY., p.145 --------------------- "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it". Matthew 7:13 --------------------- (Spoiler) Divorced Father's Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down alone Another day away from home. I've heard no words of love today no young one asked to go and play. No pleasant touch of the lady's hand that now reaches toward another man. I wonder if they think of me and wish for life that used to be. Or are they glad that I'm not there or do they simply just not care? A fading picture on the wall is just no substitute at all for a life that once was mine back when things could be made fine. After years the sadness stays the tears still come, most every day. I do my work, I eat my food, I'm getting by, but life's no good. Without my family what am I? Just another useless guy. Some folks say I'll again take vows, but life is empty, here and now. There's no point to life alone, thousand of miles from love and home. So Father, for Thy mercy's sake, let me not be forced to wake. (Funnier) Single Woman's Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me any more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay. Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck. The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!! -------------------------------------------- Subject: Choices Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today.You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining,I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a deadman'. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry."She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. "The Doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. "I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. You have two choices now: 1. Delete this. 2. Forward it to the people you care about. Hope you will choose #2. -- pete. ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ 5) Humor: ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them divorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." ------------------------ After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who seemed careless. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." ---------------------------------- 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter. ---------------------------------- A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests.The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails...spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" ------------------------------------ NEW BARBIE DOLL ANNOUNCED! NEW YORK --  Mattel Toys announced their new Barbie Doll will be "Divorced Barbie." "We're bowing to pressure to make Barbie more realistic," said Mimi Milehigh, agent for the famous doll.  "Last time we added some cellulite, did breast reduction surgery and increased the size of her thighs by 37%.   This new Barbie is the most realistic yet." Milehigh's comments are proven out by the fact that the new "Divorced Barbie" actually comes with all of Ken's stuff.  In addition, the Barbie line now includes a new male doll, 'Arnie that..... from the new edition of The NetEnquirer (this ain't your mama's tabloid) to be published Tuesday, July 21, 1998. www.netenquirer.com satire, humor, parody and more. -- I think this is a gag. Otherwise she would have to come with all her own clothes, Ken's car and boat and the house. -- No one could afford her!! I wonder what the new divorced Ken will look like...gruffy hair, pot belly, shaggy shorts, torn t-shirt, beater car, and moldy food in his fridge...oh yeah...empty wallet too. Descibe any one in here??? :) Wildman, I gave up on the wallet...what is the purpose in carrying it around? ------------------------ I don't know about everyone else but this divorce crap has me really depressed!! I think it's time for a PARTY!! Here's a funny story....well it wasn't really funny at first but I want to share it with you. I was really angry with my ex tonight.....won't go into the details....but I just blurted out to everyone in the room "Hell, he's screwed (didn't use that word, use your imagination) me more since I've divorced him than he ever did in the 25 years I was married to him." Then I thought, that was pretty funny! It lightened things up a bit! --- Daisy Duck ------------------------ I saw this recently, and it would be something I could expect if my ex ever sent me a card: Roses are red, Violets are blue I'm a schizophrenic And so am I. ------------------------ How's the old joke go? -- Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime. No, it just seems like a lifetime. I heard one the other day...If love is blind, then sex is the blindfold. ------------------------ After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?"  The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?" ------------------------ I almost had a psychic boyfriend. ------- but he left me before we met. ------------------------ >I used to be a good spellor. But lately I've been reeding alot of mesages >that have incredably bad spelling. >Do you think that bad spelling is adicting? No, I thenk its all in yor imajinashon. ----------------------- > this is a test > This is only a test. If this had been an actual post, you would have received 3 messages of support, 2 crude jokes and your daily condemnation to hell from our resident spiritual traffic cop. So, in all, it's probably a good thing that this is only a test. -- Dave ------------------------ >Since then, her husband has been telling her that >she is going to hell for wanting a divorce.< Fallible humans with marital problems are known to tell each other to go to hell rather frequently (and other things), no? ;-^) I know one couple that now only has what they call "hall sex" - when they pass in the hall, they say "f*ck you!" ----------------------- Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked Adam, "What is wrong?" Adam said he didn't have anyone with whom to talk. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, this person will cook for you and wash your clothes and she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history. ------------------------ Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over. The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen." "Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed. "I thought you were trying to bring her back." ------------------------ A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all heck broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair! ------------------------ When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?" Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up. "Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms". ------------------------ A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" ------------------------ 80 Rules And Instructions On Being A Man: 1. Don't call. EVER. 2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3. Lie. 4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" 5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them. 6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it. 7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do. 8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 9. Lie. 10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis) 15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out , and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 19. Lie. 20. Deny everthing. Everything. 21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know. 22. Don't have a clue. 23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 24. No means yes. 25. Yes means no. 26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules. 27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. 28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 29. Feelings? What feelings? 30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass. 31. Lie I tell you!! 32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist. 34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%). 35. Lie. 36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back...Diss her again. Repeat cycle. 39. Lie. 40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it. 41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. 43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,etc. 46. Lie. 47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 51. You are male, therefore you are superior. 52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. 53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 54. Don't ever notice anything. 55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else , don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 58. Lie. 59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." 62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily. 68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. 69. Beer. Then more beer. 70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" 71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 72. Lie. 73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) 75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 77. Default facial expression: blank stare. 78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass. 79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 81. Beer. Then more beer. Spiderweb -- "somebody stop me!" :) ----------------------------- TRUE STORY....... If you think you're having a bad day-think again. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motor cycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining step and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day... ----------------------------- THE BICYCLE Two ministers would meet each Sunday morning, riding their bicycles to their respective churches. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what happened to your bike?" asked the other. "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it? "No!" said his fellow minister, then an idea struck him: "You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday, give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about "Thou shall not steal", just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty. " The following Sunday evening the two ministers met and they both had their bikes. "Hey ---I see my suggestion worked after all." "Well sort of -- I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike!" ---------------------------- Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go Love: Giving your love some candy Lust: Thinking you are the candy Marriage: Scraping candy off the carpet Love: A night out at the Symphony Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice Love: Aroma -- French perfume Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing. . ." Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket Love: Talking and cuddling Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . . Love: Long drives through the countryside Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat Love: Sex every night Lust: Sex 5 times a night Marriage: Sex ??? ---------------------------- An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be reallyrich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. " And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ---------------------------- A life? you mean we were suppose to have lives "and" kids?? This makes me laugh at that new commercial that's out about the kid going off to college ... the mom doesn't even come out to the car to say good by ... she's upstairs in his "old" bedroom measuring it for a hot tub!! as soon as the son drives off they are making their plans! he he! Your not alone kbird ... I know I left my "life" around here somewhere!! -- Spiderweb ------------->>> I understand that you can now actually buy a life. They are sold by K-Tel (and are generally advertised only at 3:00 AM when most of us are up watching TV and sobbing in our beer). Apparently you can have this life for only 3 payments of $19.95 (plus shipping/handling) and if you act before 9/1 you can get a special knife that turns radishes into a festive garnish suitable for any occasion. Operators would be standing by, but most of them have lives. -- Dave ------------------------- An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake... ******************************** Attention Lawyer...if you think this is devaluing the male, please change 'balls' to 'breasts'. ----------------------------------------- Women + Men jokes .... How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. __________________ Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. __________________ Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. __________________ Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. __________________ What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. __________________ How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. __________________ What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. __________________ Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. __________________ How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. __________________ Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. __________________ What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. __________________ When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. __________________ What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all. __________________ Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. __________________ How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. __________________ How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes ___________________ What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect." ___________________ How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. ___________________ What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. ___________________ Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." ----------------------------------------- Corny men vs. women Jokes: How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with *A man once told me...* How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven! Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's been told. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake. ----------------------------------------- --- Yes, Marriage is a Joke... --- (corny marriage jokes) Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. ------------------------ At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." ------------------------ After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." ----------------------- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ----------------------- The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" ----------------------- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. ----------------------- Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ----------------------- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ----------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know yet son, I'm still paying." ----------------------- Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." ----------------------- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." ---------------------- A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." ----------------------- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. ----------------------- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ----------------------- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ----------------------- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ----------------------- You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. ----------------------- Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. ------------------------ Husband: "Want a quickie?" ..... Wife: "As opposed to what?" ------------------------- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. ------------------------- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. ------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" .... Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ------------------------- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. ---------------------------------------- A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight." ----------------------------------------- HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer. -------------------------------------------------- No offense guys. HERE ARE A FEW JOKES FOR GIRLS ONLY... Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you." God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece. Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it. What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. Why do women fake orgasms? They think men care. "God gave man a penis and a brain but not enough blood supply to operate both at the same time." ------------------------------------------------ Ten Things You'll never hear a man say 10. Here honey, you use the remote. 9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. 8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! 7. While I'm up, can I get you anything? 6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me? 5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held. 4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes? 3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place. 2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on. 1. We never talk anymore ------------------------------------------------ A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. ------------------------------------------------ The Five Kinds of Sex The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in the court. ------------------------------------------------ WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A MALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow made to feel inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. ------------------------------------------------ A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life." ---------------------------------------------------- Top 10 reasons why Trick or Treating is better than Sex 10 - You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9 - If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again. 8 - The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7 - You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6 - It's okay when the person you are with fantasizes that you are someone else because you are. 5 - Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy. 4 - If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. 3 - It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2 - Less guilt the morning after. And the number 1 reason......... 1 - You can do the whole neighborhood. ---------------------------------------------------- Signs you Have PMS Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-****". Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male. You’re counting down the days until menopause. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. ---------------------------------------------------- THINGS A MAN SHOULD NOT SAY IN A VICTORIA'S SECRET STORE **I'll be in the dressing room going blind. **Mom will love this! **Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? **No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. **Will you model this for me?? **The Miracle What?! This is better than world peace! **45 bucks!! You're just going to end up NAKED anyway! **Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! **Does this come in children's sizes? **No thanks. Just sniffing. ---------------------------------------------------- IF MEN GOT PREGNANT...... --Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay. --There'd be a cure for stretch marks --Natural childbirth would become obsolete --Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem --All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness --Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained --Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment --They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute --Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm --Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags --They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him." --Paternity suits would be a line of clothes --They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months --Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree --Women would rule the world! (Don't we already??) ---------------------------------------------------- Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day: 10.Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half 8. See if they could finally do the splits 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they had a vagina is... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot ---------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout 1 You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell". 2 Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!" 3 Your garbage can IS your "in" box. 4 You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 5 You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 6 Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 7 You sleep more at work than at home. 8 You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase. 9 Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago. 10 You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now. Add number 11 - you get postcards from your other personalities that read - "We are here, wish you were fine." ---------------------------------------------------- National Condom week slogans: 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love! ---------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? 1. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!! 2. You only have to punch the data into a computer once. 3. A Computer will go down on you without dinner and a movie. 4. You can not put a 3.5" floppy in a woman 5. ...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds... ---------------------------------------------------- One day these three guys die and go to heaven. The angel comes to the first one and asks "How many times have you cheated on your wife?", the guy answers "Once." The angel then gives him the keys to a Ferrari and says go drive around heavan. The angel then asks the second man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" then man answers "Three." The angel then gives him the keys to a normal Toyota and says go drive around heaven. The same question is asked from the third man and the guy says "Eight times." The angel then gives him the keys to a beat up Yugo. After the day is over they all come back to the same place and the guy in the Yugo is crying is eyes out. They ask him whats wrong? He says, "I just saw my wife, She was riding a tricycle." ---------------------------------------------------- This a great response to those irritating posts, just x appropriate boxes ........... : ) Are you a semi-literate kid who got onto his daddy's PC and decided to play at troll-for-a-day? Dear Stranger: You: [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Nazi [ ] AOLer [ ] Me-too-er [ ] Pervert [x] Loser [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Fed [x] Freak [x] Flamebait [ ] Other (please specify): _______________ You Are Being Flamed Because: [ ] You posted a message concerning a pyramid scheme [ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test [ ] You posted something completely off-topic [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [ ] You posted a phone-sex ad [x] You posted a blatant troll [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread [ ] You started an off-topic thread [ ] You said "me too" to something [ ] You don't know which group to post in [x] You suck [ ] Your sig/alias sucks [ ] You brag about things that never happened [ ] I don't like your tone of voice [ ] I think you might be a fed [ ] You're a Nazi [ ] You're a bigot To Repent, You Must: [ ] "Upgrade" to Windows 98 [ ] Surrender your AOL account [x] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it [x] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor [ ] Try posting something relevant [ ] Read the FAQ [ ] Be the guest of honour in alt.flame for a month [ ] Post your tests to alt.test [ ] Remove yourself from the net (you are hopeless) [x] Remove yourself from existence (you are really hopeless) In Closing, I'd Like to Say: [ ] Get a life [ ] Never post again on this newsgroup [ ] Never post again on the net [ ] Go to hell [ ] Take your shit somewhere else [ ] Learn to post or f**k off [ ] Do us all a favour and jump into some industrial equipment [x] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet [x] Stop wasting oxygen [ ] All of the above --------------------------------- This had nothing to do with divorce or couples etc., but I got such a laugh out it I had to include it. - duh editor Error messages planned for Windows 2000. 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. -------- 25. System Unstable... Should I Die now or Die later? (D/D) 26. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. 27. (001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing. 28. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium? 29. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened... 30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct? 31. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza. 32. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 33. PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair 34. Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic? 35. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. 36. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! 37. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 38. Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to get this error. 39. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ... 40. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS 41. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. 42. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. 43. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. 44. Error: An unspecified error has occurred. Please correct the error to continue. 45. Error: keyboard locked - try anything you can think of. 46. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 47. Error: Keyboard not responding. Press any key to continue. 48. Fatal system error #3021206. Have a nice day! 49. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue... 50. Go ahead, make my data! 51. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. 52. Reality checksum error! Press any key to restart universe. 53. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory. 54. Virus detected! Pour chicken soup on motherboard Y/N? 55. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N) DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ 6) Relationships: ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ Taken from: "Life Choices, Health Concepts and Strategies" - 2nd ed. Turner, Sizer, Whitney, Wilks., West Pub. Comp. 98 "Intimacy, Pairing, and Commitment" Mature Love -- is a strong affection for, and an enduring deep attachment to, a person whose character the partner knows well. It is a mature acceptance and tolerance of the partner's negative qualities. Mature love involves a decision to be devoted to a person. It also requires psychological intimacy. Intimacy -- is probably the most important aspect of a love relationship. Intimacy builds gradually as two people become familiar with and close to each other, and it involves private, personal sharing. Two intimate people disclose, a little at a time, the good and bad parts of themselves that they keep hidden from others. Both are vulnerable, trusting each other with the parts that can be hurt. Screening Potential Partners -- Getting involved with someone who is not available is a common mistake, and causes many unnecessary heartaches. People are available when they: Are unmarried and not involved in other relationships. Have been over heartaches for some time (are not recently divorced or have not previously ended another love relationship. Want to be in a relationship with you. Are free of chemical or psychological addictions or are willing to undergo treatment (alcoholics, drug and gambling addicts, and people with eating disorders etc. cannot function fully in love relationships). Are not closely tied to families that require extensive material or emotional support (for example: children of addicts are ensnared in family problems (co-dependance)). Are not so devoted to a career that they do not have the time to devote to a relationship. Are physically available -- they live in your city or state. Early Stages in a relationship ... both people are on their best behavior ... "marketing" themselves. You may be infatuated, but try to remain objective. Ask the following questions about the person: Does the person have several close friends? A person who has learned to enjoy and foster intimate relationships can put this talent to work in a love relationship. Do you keep putting off introducing this person to your friends and relatives? Does the person keep postponing introducing you to family? A hesitancy to show off a partner to the people who are most important may be a sign of uncertainty. If the relationship folded, would you still want that person as a friend? If not, the relationship may crumble during times of conflict due to a lack of friendship. Are you happy with the way the person treats other people? Watch how the person deals with employees, waitresses, clerks, friends etc. If you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that behavior, don't get involved. You may be an exception during courtship, but you won't be later on. As the relationship develops: There is still more self-disclosure, greater acceptance, and less threat. Later it meets emotional needs: to confide and to be trusted, to support, and to be encouraged. Each fully trusts the other, and therefore each can be fully vulnerable. The pair continue to develop social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual closeness. In a healthy relationship, sexual involvement begins at this stage. Early sexual involvement may bring temporary immediate pleasure but actually hinders the growth of intimate love: 1) Early sexual involvement often inhibits the growth of other parts of the relationship. Partners focused on sex may neglect developing the intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects of the relationship. 2) Sexual involvement clouds objective judgment. ... likely to overlook character traits or other qualities that they would be wise to acknowledge. 3) Early sexual involvement creates distrust. If you know that your partner gets sexually involved easily with any potential lover, doubts about the person's ability to be faithful arise early on. Self-control is a quality necessary even in marriages from time to time and is indispensable for the development of trust. Sexual involvement makes a person more receptive to a partner, psychologically and physiologically, than the person would be otherwise. This is a benefit in a committed relationship, but a detriment when you don't know your partner well or when the relationship is unhealthy. Infatuation -- (sometimes called romantic or addictive love) is the state of being carried away by unreasoning passion or attraction. Infatuation is often mistaken for love. Different than love, it often quickly fades. It leads people to often do things they ordinarily would not even consider doing. Infatuation occurs when people don't know each other well, and mature love can exist only when they do. See definitions of Mature love and Intimacy above. Infatuation versus Love: Infatuation: The beginning of the relationship is the most exciting. Mature love: The relationship develops gradually and becomes richer with deepening acquaintanceship. Infatuation: There is intensity, sexual desire, anxiety. Mature love: There is calmness, peacefulness, empathy, support, and tolerance of partner. Infatuation: Each feels excitement at being involved with a person whose character is not fully known. Mature love: Each feels deep attachment, based on extensive familiarity and knowledge of partner (both positive and negative qualities). Infatuation: One or both are extremely absorbed in the other. Mature love: Both want to be together without obsession. Infatuation: Sexual attraction is central. Mature love: Warm affection/friendship is central; sexual attraction is positive but not the focus. Infatuation: Insecurity, distrust, lack of confidence, feelings of being threatened and unfulfilled are typical. Mature love: Security, trust, confidence, an unthreatened feeling, and a sense of fulfillment are typical. Infatuation: Nagging doubts and unanswered questions exist; parts about partner remain unexamined so as not to spoil the dream. Mature love: Thorough knowledge of partner exists, with mature acceptance of imperfections. Infatuation: Fantasy is the basis. Mature love: Reality is the basis. Infatuation: Energy is consumed, often exhausted. Mature love: Energy is generated in a healthy way. Infatuation: One or both have low self-esteem (and look to partner for validation and affirmation of self-worth). Mature love: Both have high self-esteem (each person has sense of self-worth with or without partner). Infatuation: Each needs the other to feel complete. Mature love: Each can feel complete without the relationship but the relationship enhances the self. Infatuation: One or both feel discomfort with individual differences (need to be the same). Mature love: Individuality is accepted. Infatuation: Each often tears down or criticizes the other. Mature love: Each brings out the best in the partner; relationship is nurturing. Infatuation: Fondness may not be mutual; one partner may feel strongly toward an unobtainable or unavailable person (exp: a celebrity or sports figure). Mature love: Fondness is mutual; each person is aware of the shared involvement. Infatuation: The partners need to rush things, like sex, marriage, or having children; they feel an urgency not to lose the partner. Mature love: Partners are patient; feel no need to rush the events of the relationship. have a sense of security and no fear of losing partner. Infatuation: One is threatened by the other's individual growth. Mature love: Each encourages the other's growth. Infatuation: The relationship is not enduring because it lacks a firm foundation. Mature love: The relationship is enduring, based on a strong foundation of friendship. ----------------------------------------- The Trouble Tree The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward, he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before". You have to leave your troubles from work at work. Or at least put them on a tree. Thought you might like this. -- Chris ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- end ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------