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The original inspiration for these pages was to support those new to, in the process of, and healing from the big "D" -- Divorce.
These articles were takenfrom
various posts from the good folks on the news group alt.support.divorce
,
the listserv divorcetalk@onelist.com which you can join here
www.onelist.com and some other resources.
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Relationships.
Go to: alt.support.Divorce Resource
List Index
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Taken from: Life Choices, Health Concepts and Strategies - 2nd ed. Turner, Sizer, Whitney, Wilks., West Pub. Comp. 98 |
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Mature Love -- is a strong affection for, and an enduring deep attachment to, a person whose character the partner knows well. It is a mature acceptance and tolerance of the partner's negative qualities. Mature love involves a decision to be devoted to a person. It also requires psychological intimacy.Intimacy -- is probably the most important aspect of a love relationship. Intimacy builds gradually as two people become familiar with and close to each other, and it involves private, personal sharing. Two intimate people disclose, a little at a time, the good and bad parts of themselves that they keep hidden from others. Both are vulnerable, trusting each other with the parts that can be hurt.
Screening Potential Partners -- Getting involved with someone who is not available is a common mistake, and causes many unnecessary heartaches.
People are available when they:
Are unmarried and not involved in other relationships.
Have been over heartaches for some time (are not recently divorced or have not previously ended another love relationship.
Want to be in a relationship with you.
Are free of chemical or psychological addictions or are willing to undergo treatment (alcoholics, drug and gambling addicts, and people with eating disorders etc. cannot function fully in love relationships).
Are not closely tied to families that require extensive material or emotional support (for example: children of addicts are ensnared in family problems (co-dependance)).
Are not so devoted to a career that they do not have the time to devote to a relationship.
Are physically available -- they live in your city or state.Early Stages in a relationship ... both people are on their best behavior ... "marketing" themselves. You may be infatuated, but try to remain objective.
Ask the following questions about the person:
Does the person have several close friends? A person who has learned to enjoy and foster intimate relationships can put this talent to work in a love relationship.
Do you keep putting off introducing this person to your friends and relatives? Does the person keep postponing introducing you to family? A hesitancy to show off a partner to the people who are most important may be a sign of uncertainty.
If the relationship folded, would you still want that person as a friend? If not, the relationship may crumble during times of conflict due to a lack of friendship.
Are you happy with the way the person treats other people? Watch how the person deals with employees, waitresses, clerks, friends etc. If you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that behavior, don't get involved. You may be an exception during courtship, but you won't be later on.As the relationship develops: There is still more self-disclosure, greater acceptance, and less threat.
Later it meets emotional needs: to confide and to be trusted, to support, and to be encouraged. Each fully trusts the other, and therefore each can be fully vulnerable. The pair continue to develop social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual closeness. In a healthy relationship, sexual involvement begins at this stage.Early sexual involvement may bring temporary immediate pleasure but actually hinders the growth of intimate love:
1) Early sexual involvement often inhibits the growth of other parts of the relationship. Partners focused on sex may neglect developing the intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects of the relationship.
2) Sexual involvement clouds objective judgment. ... likely to overlook character traits or other qualities that they would be wise to acknowledge.
3) Early sexual involvement creates distrust. If you know that your partner gets sexually involved easily with any potential lover, doubts about the person's ability to be faithful arise early on. Self-control is a quality necessary even in marriages from time to time and is indispensable for the development of trust.Sexual involvement makes a person more receptive to a partner, psychologically and physiologically, than the person would be otherwise. This is a benefit in a committed relationship, but a detriment when you don't know your partner well or when the relationship is unhealthy.
Infatuation -- (sometimes called romantic or addictive love) is the state of being carried away by unreasoning passion or attraction. Infatuation is often mistaken for love. Different than love, it often quickly fades. It leads people to often do things they ordinarily would not even consider doing. Infatuation occurs when people don't know each other well, and mature love can exist only when they do.
See definitions of Mature love and Intimacy above.Infatuation versus Love:
Infatuation: The beginning of the relationship is the most exciting.
Mature love: The relationship develops gradually and becomes richer with deepening acquaintanceship.Infatuation: There is intensity, sexual desire, anxiety.
Mature love: There is calmness, peacefulness, empathy, support, and tolerance of partner.Infatuation: Each feels excitement at being involved with a person whose character is not fully known.
Mature love: Each feels deep attachment, based on extensive familiarity and knowledge of partner (both positive and negative qualities).Infatuation: One or both are extremely absorbed in the other.
Mature love: Both want to be together without obsession.Infatuation: Sexual attraction is central.
Mature love: Warm affection/friendship is central; sexual attraction is positive but not the focus.Infatuation: Insecurity, distrust, lack of confidence, feelings of being threatened and unfulfilled are typical.
Mature love: Security, trust, confidence, an unthreatened feeling, and a sense of fulfillment are typical.Infatuation: Nagging doubts and unanswered questions exist; parts about partner remain unexamined so as not to spoil the dream.
Mature love: Thorough knowledge of partner exists, with mature acceptance of imperfections.Infatuation: Fantasy is the basis.
Mature love: Reality is the basis.Infatuation: Energy is consumed, often exhausted.
Mature love: Energy is generated in a healthy way.Infatuation: One or both have low self-esteem (and look to partner for validation and affirmation of self-worth).
Mature love: Both have high self-esteem (each person has sense of self-worth with or without partner).Infatuation: Each needs the other to feel complete.
Mature love: Each can feel complete without the relationship but the relationship enhances the self.Infatuation: One or both feel discomfort with individual differences (need to be the same).
Mature love: Individuality is accepted.Infatuation: Each often tears down or criticizes the other.
Mature love: Each brings out the best in the partner; relationship is nurturing.Infatuation: Fondness may not be mutual; one partner may feel strongly toward an unobtainable or unavailable person (exp: a celebrity or sports figure).
Mature love: Fondness is mutual; each person is aware of the shared involvement.Infatuation: The partners need to rush things, like sex, marriage, or having children; they feel an urgency not to lose the partner.
Mature love: Partners are patient; feel no need to rush the events of the relationship. have a sense of security and no fear of losing partner.Infatuation: One is threatened by the other's individual growth.
Mature love: Each encourages the other's growth.Infatuation: The relationship is not enduring because it lacks a firm foundation.
Mature love: The relationship is enduring, based on a strong foundation of friendship.
The Trouble Tree
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward, he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before".
You have to leave your troubles from work at work. Or at least put them on a tree. Thought you might like this. --- Chris
Go to: alt.support.Divorce Resource List Index
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These articles were takenfrom various posts from the good folks on the news group alt.support.divorce , the listserv divorcetalk@onelist.com which you can join here www.onelist.com and some other resources. |
| For anyone going through a Divorce, I recommend the alt.support.Divorce Resource List & alt.support.divorce the support group (news group). | You can save this and any web page to your hardrive
for future reference by going to the page you want and then File\save as
somename.html (or .htm).
There are now 6 pages to the Divorce Resource List (including index). Go to the one you want, and save the page separately. |
Download a Text
version of the Resource List here,
(Includes all web pages (110 KB)) Then go to
file \ save as \ divorce_faq.txt |
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