Coming Apart,by
Daphne Rose Kingma. -- The peace this
book gave me is beyond words. It takes a different perspective - that the
realities of life are very different than they used to be, but our perspectives
on "forever love" have not changed along with our lives. She is not judgmental
at all about it, but explains this is why a long-term marriage seems to
be so much more elusive nowadays.
The back of the book has a series
of exercises for coming to closure and terms with your marriage. They are
very effective.
Marital Separation,
by
Robert Weiss. -- This book may help
alleviate the pain by showing you that the swings in your moods are normal.
It will help you gain some objectivity. And funny as it sounds, when you
can stand back and look at where you're at in the "pain/healing" scale,
it is easier to deal with loss.
The Myth of the Greener Grass.
--
I didn't like it, as I felt it put too much responsibility on the partner
who did not have an affair. It actually made me feel worse.
Nice Women Get Divorced.
--
It was OK but dealt more with practicalities than feelings. Also read some
books on grief and loss which were helpful.
How to Survive the Loss of
a Love, -- A very easy to read user-friendly
book about grieving and the process you'll go through. "(2) is one of my
more favorites...(Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWilliams)....tells you what
to expect, and gives some very sage advice...." _ "(3) It helped but really
time is the only thing that seems to work. This whole adultery thing is
inane."
Crazy Time -- Surviving Divorce
and Building a New Life. by
Abigail Trafford. -- It had a lot of
personal stories in it. I didn't find it all that helpful, but others have.
"(2) really hits home. I found it extremely helpful.
Divorce Hangover,
by
Anne Walther. -- It is for people that
cannot let go of the divorce. It has a lot of "workbook exercises" in it
to process feelings.
Mars and Venus Starting Over,
by
John Gray. -- Great book that will show
you how to "feel" about your divorce. And How you have to feel many thing
in order to move on...
(2) Gray makes it very clear that,
even though you may, intellectually, be prepared to move on after a divorce,
your heart will take longer to heal. He also has a good section about getting
stuck in one of the four "healing" emotions: anger, sadness, sorrow and
fear. I've heard many times that you have to experience these emotions
to get over a divorce, but he pushes it even further, saying that, at times,
it's useful to "force" them, by consciously contemplating the good things
that you've lost, and letting the sadness or anger come.
Another important thing that I
*don't* hear mentioned too often is the affect earlier life-experiences
can have. He says that a lot of the pain (at one point, he says as much
as 90 percent) you are feeling isn't from your current loss, but comes
from your childhood (when you didn't receive the love you needed, for example).
Perhaps there's something to this.
(3) He says that in order to get
over her, you have to go back, and remember the good times.....mourn for
the things you will never have again, mourn for what you won't have in
the future, and a few other things (I can't think of off the top of my
head), but the principle of his thinking, is that if we supress these feelings,
or try to, there are going to fester, and we will be stuck, never to be
'free' of this person....you have to face them head on, conqure them, defeat
them, and only then can you move on......
(4) Something I learned from John
Gray's book is that there are 4 "healing" emotions that *must* be experienced
if you are not to get stuck. They are Sadness, Sorrow, Fear and Anger.
As men, we especially can have trouble experiencing these, but it's essential.
The Ten Mistakes
That Women Make, by Dr. Laura
Schlesinger (spelling?). -- Basically
she is a hard hitting counsellor that has a nationwide talk show and she
dicusses common screwups by women (and men in another book) that lead to
unhappiness, divorce, etc......
The Ten Mistakes That Men
Make,
by Dr. Laura Schlesinger(spelling?).
-- I have the book 10 mistakes that men make and it was incredible how
almost everyone of them applied to my marriage. I am now convinced that
I married a "fixer upper" that I thought I could change with love. By constantly
trying to change her I lost her. Fact was that I was not comfortable with
myself and fear rejection and would only date (marry) a woman that had
more problems than I had. ooops, just rambling on.
Bill Ferguson is
an author who has written several good books about relationships and divorce.
His website is at http://www.billferguson.com
The 4 Gifts of Love,
by
Willard Harley. -- For those that want
to start over with the same person or have a new relationship...This book
sets up parameters that help you avoid some of the traps we run into nowadays
in this complicated society, and states the principles that will keep couples
together if they are followed.
How to Get Your Lover Back,
by
Blake Harris. -- I promise you that
after you read this book you will learn how to be a better partner. Also,
this book will recommend other ways to turn your jealousy and anger into
more positive reactions, like love.
Children Support
A (#) signifies the number of, and a different person's
review
My Parents Still
Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, by
Dr. Lois Nightingale. -- It is a terrific book for children
whose parents are getting a divorce. The book describes how four children
cope with the divorce of their parents. It is put together in a coloring
book, workbook, storytelling format and gives children a way to relate
how they feel so parents can help them.
Hey...What About Me!by
Bonnie Doss -- is another children's
book that is simple, yet very effective at opening the door to communication
between a young child and divorcing parents. It gives children an opportunity
to express their pain, sadness and fear in a way that helps the adults
in their life help them.
True Prosperity: Your Guide
to a Cash-Based Lifestyle, by
Ken Knouse -- is a guide that everyone facing a debt-ridden
life can use to get out and stay out of debt.
Legal
Divorce Strategy: Tactics
for a Civil Financial Divorce, by
Laura Johnson. -- Here is a bit of what
others who have read the book have to say: "A wonderful and empowering
book for divorcing couples" Mary K. Carey, Divorce Support Group Leader,
Jackson, Michigan. "A great book that I will recommend to my divorce clients."
Robert Feder, Family Law Attorney, Philadelphia, PA the website is http://www.bookzone.com/feature/divorce.html
Questioning Relationships
A (#) signifies the number of, and a different person's
review
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad
to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum.--
For defining a direction to get out of an ambivalent relationship. This
book is very different and I suggest everyone read it. It really helps
you focus on the reasons why you are in a relationship with someone, especially
helps decide whether to stay or get out. Is one you will not put down because
it has a totally different perspective than any self-help books I have
ever seen.
Codependent No More,
by
Melodie Beattie. -- Repetitive dysfunctional
relationships suggest a pattern of codependency. To help me understand
my own experience with this, I count this book as a watershed for me. Give
it a try.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship,
by
Patricia Evans. --Wonder if you've been
subjected to some verbal abuse. If you think it's a possibility, this will
open your eyes to the dynamics of such a relationship, and help relieve
you of some of the responsibility you might feel for being in such a relationship.
Toxic People,
by
Lillian Glass. -- (she also has a book
called "Attracting Terrific People" which I haven't read yet). It helped
me to deal with my own husbands control problem and it showed me that I
need to deal with some problems of my own. Most control freaks don't see
any problems, they think if you'll just do everything their way then life
would be just perfect. It's not just the fact that we're all adults and
want to have a choice in our own lives but when we wed, it was supposed
to be two people joining together to make decisions for mutual benefit.
After awhile the marital relationship becomes more like a parent/child
relationship. Maybe that can work for some people but in my case it just
wasn't possible.
I think "controlling" and "criticism"
are two different subjects. Criticism can destroy self-confidence, the
ability
to think for oneself and basically make the person being criticized avoid
the critical person even if they are in love.
The Battered Woman,
by
Lenore Walker &
Breaking Free from Domestic
Violence, by Jerry Brinegar--
Understanding the cycle of violence and the cognitive patterns of abuse
survivors is an extremely important element. It's not as cut and dried
situation...like saying she's just not ready to commit and is still hung-up
on her ex. It goes deeper than that. There are powerful forces at work
that need to be explored.
These are some excellent books
that I used to recommend to clients when I worked with abuse victims and
survivors... This last one focuses more on breaking the cycle of violence,
but it offers some great insight for folks who, like you, are on the outside
looking in.
How You Can Survive When They're
Depressed, by Anne Sheffield.--
I urge you to read, I am going through a very painful divorce from a depressive
who was in denial for the entire 13 years we were married and together;
now he seems to be making a lifestyle of denial. My pain is intense, but
this book has really helped me put things in perspective.
Stop Walking on Eggshells,
by
Randi Kreger and Paul Mason. There are
lots of books out there on the subject (BPD (borderline personality disorder)).
The best book I have read which helps NON-BPs figure out what to do when
they realize they are married to a BP. . . You can find out how to obtain
a copy at this website: http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/index.html
Dating
A (#) signifies the number of, and a different person's
review
Once you're over the divorce and
ready to re-enter the dating world but afraid, try:
Guerrilla Dating Tactics,
by
Sharyn Wolf --- or:
Conversationally Speaking,
by
Alan Garner. -- Very practically-written.
Dating For Dummies,
Dr.
Joy Browne. -- Has much to say particularly
to those who are separated or recently divorced about how long to wait
[e.g., one year after divorce is final]. Also, concerning past sexual experiences:
"When in doubt, keep your mouth shut". Past relationships: "If you can't
find something better to talk about than your exes, you need a therapist,
not a date.
..
