. Humor
. . . . . . . .Index.. The
. . . . .. Greatest
. . . . . . . . . . . . Internet
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jokes
On occasions, the internet is the brunt of many jokes, and the source of many more. The best have been forwarded around to millions via e-mail. Here are some of the best I've come across via e-mail, joke pages, listservs and news groups .... Enjoy!
- The Huge Bumper Stickers and One-Liners List.The first of 3 pages worth.
- Error Messages Planned for Win2000. Hilarious -- win95/win2000, get it, ? eh? ... oh just read it.
- Computer One-Liners. Mostly from the one-liners list above.
- Memo to All Students. If u don't read this u M.I.S.S.S.H._.T.
- Divorce and Relationship's Humor:Finding fun in the not-so-funny.
- Women vs. Men Jokes. classic, corny, funny, biting.
- Men vs. Women Jokes classic, corny, funny, biting.
- Corny Marriage Jokes classic, corny, funny, biting.
- How to Impress a Man or Woman. Funny how we can find critical truth in our jokes.
- 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex. Great, ... "U can get chocolate."
- Think Your Having A Bad Day? -- a true story.
- New Stress Relief Method. Close your eyes, imagine ...
- You Know Your Using ICQ Too Much When. Those who use ICQ will get a kick out of this.
- Check The Appropriate Box(s) Response to Irritating Posts or e-mail. Pounce on a troll today.
- 50 Reasons To Be Glad Your A Man. Benefits of being male, or was this an insult? .... hmmm.
- 80 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man. Well this is definitely insulting, lol.
- Cyber Sex with Sweetheart and Wellhung.Absolutely hilarious.
- Types of Men You'll See at Urinals. Personality types via urinal behavior patterns.
- If You Stand Close Enough To Him, You Can Hear the Ocean Know an air-head?
- Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Depending on who u ask. One of the most complete lists.
- How Did the Chicken Cross The Road.Mostly computer oriented answers.
- Famous Quotes - sort of. haha
Error Messages Planned for Windows 2000
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
25. System Unstable... Should I Die now or Die later? (D/D)
26. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
27. (001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing.
28. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
29. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
31. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
32. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
33. PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
34. Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
35. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
36. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
37. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
38. Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to get this error.
39. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
40. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
41. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
42. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
43. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
44. Error: An unspecified error has occurred. Please correct the error to continue.
45. Error: keyboard locked - try anything you can think of.
46. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
47. Error: Keyboard not responding. Press any key to continue.
48. Fatal system error #3021206. Have a nice day!
49. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
50. Go ahead, make my data!
51. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
52. Reality checksum error! Press any key to restart universe.
53. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
54. Virus detected! Pour chicken soup on motherboard Y/N?
55. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE
Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.
I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun
I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Intel - still number 0.999873464508.
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow
ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K.
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface...
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
System halted. Press Enter key to continue.
System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue.
System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The name is Baud... James Baud.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
What Part of http:/ www.kissmyass.com Don't you understand??
Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
Will the last one to die please turn off the computer?
You know you're in trouble when your computer has more memory than you do.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
I am Bill Gates of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is fut -GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT in BORG.EXE-
Some useful descriptions of people you may work with day to day, but of course, no one from here.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.
Cyber Sex with Sweetheart and Wellhung (R rated (sort of))-------------------------------------------------------------------
Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of
the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn't seem to
quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
-------------------------------------------------------------------Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
ARISTOTLE2: To actualize its potential.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SADDAM HUSSEIN2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken wasfaced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
JOHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
ALBERT CAMUS: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: It was a government conspiracy.
FOX MULDER2: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
DARWIN 2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
THE POPE: That is only for God to know.
M.C.ESCHER: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
GEORGE ORWELL: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DIRK GENTLY (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
ALBERT EINSTEIN2: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
PYRRHO THE SKEPTIC: What road?
THE SPHINX: You tell me.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ....it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways
.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.Lotus Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
. Humor Index
- The Huge Bumper Stickers and One-Liners List.The first of 3 pages worth.
- Error Messages Planned for Win2000. Hilarious -- win95/win2000, get it, ? eh? ... oh just read it.
- Computer One-Liners. Mostly from the one-liners list above.
- Memo to All Students. If u don't read this u M.I.S.S.S.H._.T.
- Divorce and Relationship's Humor:Finding fun in the not-so-funny.
- Women vs. Men Jokes. classic, corny, funny, biting.
- Men vs. Women Jokes classic, corny, funny, biting.
- Corny Marriage Jokes classic, corny, funny, biting.
- How to Impress a Man or Woman. Funny how we can find critical truth in our jokes.
- 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex. Great, ... "U can get chocolate."
- Think Your Having A Bad Day? -- a true story.
- New Stress Relief Method. Close your eyes, imagine ...
- You Know Your Using ICQ Too Much When. Those who use ICQ will get a kick out of this.
- Check The Appropriate Box(s) Response to Irritating Posts or e-mail. Pounce on a troll today.
- 50 Reasons To Be Glad Your A Man. Benefits of being male, or was this an insult? .... hmmm.
- 80 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man. Well this is definitely insulting, lol.
- Cyber Sex with Sweetheart and Wellhung.Absolutely hilarious.
- Types of Men You'll See at Urinals. Personality types via urinal behavior patterns.
- If You Stand Close Enough To Him, You Can Hear the Ocean Know an air-head?
- Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Depending on who u ask. One of the most complete lists.
- How Did the Chicken Cross The Road.Mostly computer oriented answers.
- Famous Quotes - sort of. haha
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